The Shallow Reality of the Handshake: Break Free From This Transaction

Take a moment to look at this image of a handshake.

What comes to mind when you see it? How does it make you feel? Is there much depth to it?

If you're like the many others I've shown this image to and asked these questions, you might be thinking any of the following:

“It looks like a greeting.”

“They are doing business or making a deal.”

“They just met for the first time.”

“It feels professional and corporate.”

“Sterile.”

“Normal”

And the list goes on. However, the common theme has always been that the handshake represents a “transaction” of some kind—superficial, ordinary, run-of-the-mill.

Certainly, while the handshake can lead to something deeper, it alone does not carry much more than transactional power. It's a common exchange or interaction between people. The handshake has been around for a very long time and, for us in the West, it is the most common greeting.

Think about the last time, or the next time, you participated in meeting or had a business lunch—you likely started and ended with a handshake. We don’t even think about it most of the time; we just do it because it's expected. Frankly, its significance isn't too reliable nowadays. In fact, the ultimate test of just how transactional the handshake is happened only a few short years ago.

A global pandemic proved the shallow depth of the handshake. When the COVID-19 virus was spreading throughout our communities, the handshake damn near went extinct. For many, it still is, and the thought of shaking another person's hand in public would violate boundaries. This is normal now, it's accepted, and to be honest, most of us are okay with it.

I, for one, was not shaking many hands during the pandemic. I still opt to bump fists with most people, and when I actually shake a hand, I actively yearn for the next opportunity to wash my hands or get the standard hand sanitizer squirt to ease my obsessive-compulsive habit society instilled during the pandemic.

Regardless, the handshake is no doubt a transaction with little to no meaning.

Now, let me contrast this with another gesture and greeting. One that is near and dear to me and millions of other people from the Asia-Pacific regions (see image below).

When you look at this greeting,

what do you think about? How does it make you feel? Is there depth to it?

Responses given, as I too have shared this image with many different people, sound like the following: 

“It feels intimate.”

“I think of connection and love.”

“It’s personal and deep.”

“Profound and purposeful.”

And my favorite, “Moving.”

This greeting goes by different names depending on the culture, the language, and the people who practice it. However, the meaning is the same. In one way or another, it represents sharing the “breath of life”, and carries a meaning of deep connection.

It is performed by placing foreheads and noses together, closing your eyes, and taking a deep and intentional breath. As you share the same breath of life, you connect and bond with the other, you take responsibility for them. 

In the Philippines, this gesture can be called Ung’gno; in New Zealand, the Māori call it Hongi; in Samoa, Feasogi; and in Hawaii, they call it Honi. All similar root words, all practiced as an intentional and traditional greeting with friends, family, and sometimes when conducting “business”.

Growing up, greetings like this were expected and normal. Whether performed exactly the way I described or by other iterations of touching cheeks or even the most common gesture in the Philippines (where my father is from)—softly taking the hand of our elders and gently placing it on our forehead as a deep sign of respect to honor them and receive their blessing.

It wasn't until later in my life, living in Hawaii and being surrounded by Māori, Hawaiian, Samoan, Fijian, Filipino, Tongan, and Tahitian friends, that I was introduced to the Hongi and Honi, making it a deep practice and habit of mine I share with them and my family to this day.

In any of these scenarios, islands, or regions, the greeting of sharing the breath of life is nothing short of transformational. Even for that short moment, you cannot perform the Hongi or Ung’gno without feeling something. Without connecting with the other and experiencing a bond and responsibility toward them.

It is a transformational gesture.

Unlike the handshake, I cannot think of any world, event, or circumstance that would threaten the meaning and practice of this gesture. The Hongi, the Ung’gno, Honi, the Feasogi can never go “extinct”. The meaning and depth behind these gestures have lasted centuries; they have withstood colonization and the tests of time. They mean the exact same to me now as they did to my ancestors hundreds and even thousands of years ago. This is the power of transformation.

You cannot feel this power from a handshake.

Why do I share this?

To emphasize one important point. That is, many of us get caught up going through the motions and live transactional lives.

We have transactional jobs, transactional marriages, transactional relationships with our kids, our friends, and families. We let the pressures and circumstances of the day sweep us up into a transactional life. Weeks, months, even years can go by, and we look back with too few memories of transformation. Too few memories of the moments when we truly shared the same breath with another, when we truly were present.

As opposed to going through the motions, transformation is driven by passion and pulled by deep purpose and meaning. Transformation, while not something we can force, has a pattern to it. A pattern that if we can notice, understand, and intentionally implement, we can experience more of the “Hongi” each day—one with depth, intentionality, and meaning. As opposed to spending our time metaphorically “shaking hands” with the gift of life we have been given.

Imagine what our day would be like, our relationships, our jobs, our families, and even our communities if we were to adopt the Hongi approach to life?

What if we let the handshake serve its purpose only when transaction is needed, but otherwise let it become extinct in our minds eye—entering each day, conversation, experience, with the desire to Ung’gno and Feasogi with life.

How much greater would be your joy?

Start small, enter your next conversation with a loved one and greet them with the Ung’gno. If that is too extreme for your culture or circumstance, metaphorically greet them that way. Be intentional, authentic, and responsible for that interaction in a way you have not in the past.

 See what happens.

Wisdom is found in noticing patterns and implementing them in our lives. Let me share a pattern I have noticed in my years of research on transformational change. A pattern I have seen unfold at the individual level of hundreds of people, within organizations I have worked with, and even a pattern deployed within communities. All of which resulted in forms of transformation. Watch the video through the link below and access my transformational checklist for your benefit.

But before you go, allow me to metaphorically Ung’gno with you and your family. With your ancestors and all that you are. While I am not physically with you, I cannot see you, and I don't know who you are (yet), I hope you feel my sincerity through this gesture.

Go and more deeply connect with your loved ones, your colleagues, deeply connect with the work you do. Live an intentional and transformational life; you only have one, and if you wait for tomorrow, you have lost today.

Mahalo, Aloha, Alofa atu, Tena Kotu, and Salamat Po.